My Heart’s Joy,
I am sorry I wrote such a worried letter.3 I didn’t know you need not answer Mr. Cubitt.4 And your letter that time was so very short. I thought that was because you were worried. One is all right here when worries keep off, but they are hard to get rid of when they fasten on one.
I am very happy now — full of new life and full of ideas about philosophy. I expect I shall do a lot of first-rate work this winter.
I can easily afford £20 spent on holiday.5 I should love the Rinders’6 if our nights can be free — if not, I should wish to go to Ashford first. I won’t hurt my brother’s feelings, but I am sure I can make things all right with him.
My lovely Darling, I am full of happiness now, really believing in our future — feeling very full of life and creativeness — and so filled with love. I keep thinking of all sorts of lovable ways and words you have. Forgive me Darling if sometimes I get worried, I really sometimes wear myself out with longing for you. I can hear your voice so very plainly — and feel your arms — and O my love I want to see you happy, happy, HAPPY.a
[document] The letter was edited from an unsigned quarter-sheet in BR’s hand in the Malleson papers in the Russell Archives.
[date] Colette’s note reads: “This letter may be Thursday 1st August 1918. (But is perhaps Thursday 8 August.)”
I wrote such a worried letter BR was responding to Colette’s letter of 26 July (BRACERS 113145). She wrote: “Beloved, yr last letters are so dreadfully full of worry. You mustn’t worry so. Please don’t.” Letter 45 concerned the Scotland Yard visit, which did worry BR.
easily afford £20 spent on holiday BR wrote a very similar sentence in a letter written the day before: “I can well afford £20 for holiday” (Letter 56). He wrote again because he was concerned that she did not receive the letter.
the Rinders’ Miss Rinder offered her family’s cottage as a place to stay once BR left prison. Windmill Cottage was in Icklesham, near Winchelsea. Although not on the coast, it was not far away.